Films I watched at Christmas
I realized when compiling my end of year favourite lists that I had involuntarily shunned the cinema and films in general in 2008. I’m not entirely sure why. Perhaps Adam Sandler had finally succeeded in putting me off an entire medium or perhaps I was just lazy. Either way, I decided to make up for this over my extended Christmas and New Year break and revel in the world of film. It being Christmas however, meant films on TV were at best unmemorable, and at worst eye-wateringly bad. Anyway, my round up starts here:
ET: Having not seen ET for some years, I ended up watching it about 3 times thanks to ITV2’s hilariously small schedule. Obviously it’s excellent but it just made me really sad that I didn’t have my BMX anymore.
The Parent Trap: In which identical twins Lindsay Lohan and, um, Lindsay Lohan perform a hilarious switcheroo on their estranged parents played by Dennis Quaid and that English woman which ultimately brings them back together. Also a dubious romantic sub-plot between the nanny and the quite clearly gay butler. Was somewhat distracted by the fact I’ve since seen Lindsay Lohan’s pussy on the internet about a hundred times.
Bend It Like Beckham: Replaced Love Actually in my annual ‘Bad Keira Knightley movie a bit drunk on Christmas Night’ tradition which saddened me because nothing says Christmas quite like screaming “SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM IN THE CHIN!!” when Liam Neeson’s annoying 10 year old stepson breaks through airport security to follow through a frankly inexplicable and slightly creepy love story. Instead, Bend it like Beckham offers countless footage of piss poor women’s football, the Asian doctor off of ER and a young Keira in a sports bra. Essentially Keira isn’t supposed to play football because her mum thinks she’s a lesbian and the Asian doctor off of ER isn’t allowed to play football because she’s Indian. Somehow they end up playing for a local girls’ side and both fall for their Irish coach, a bug-eyed Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. This leads to one of the greatest lines in movie history when the Asian doctor off of ER says: “He called me a Paki but you wouldn’t understand what that feels like” and coach Jonathan says: “I’m Irish, of course I understand…” Cue various obstacles that they eventually overcome and the two girls jet out to the US to some kind of soccer school, not before seeing “David Beckham” in the airport. Basically rubbish, though I’ve seen it an incredible amount of times.
Wallace & Gromit – Curse of the Were-Rabbit: Everyone’s favourite plasticine man and dog go feature length in this tale of rabbits and machinery gone wrong. There’s some clever gadgets and capers and then I fell asleep for an hour and then Gromit saves the day. I asked my 5 year old niece for her opinion and she opened a plastic cash register in my face.
Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest: I remember once The Independent had a picture of a particularly gaunt looking Keira Knightley which they captioned ‘Dead man’s chest’ which amused me no end. I wish I could say the same for this baffling piece of turd. Something about a heart in a box and Bill Nighy having a squid for a face and a big sea monster. Not even Johnny Depp’s Keith Richards impression could save it this time. Orlando Bloom may have been in it, Keira Knightley too, I didn’t really notice.
You’ve Got Mail: The absolute epitome of ‘nice’. Tom ‘Nice’ Hanks and Meg ‘Nice’ Ryan live on the ‘Nice’ Upper West Side and are both into ‘Nice’ books. They send each other ‘Nice’ emails, unaware of who each other really is. In fact, offline, Tom Hanks is the owner of the big bully high street book store who is going to put Meg Ryan’s nice little independent book store out of business. Which he does but she likes him in the end. That’s it really. Part of me didn’t mind it but I think that’s because I’d eaten myself into a strange fuzz.
Van Wilder: Something about large headed Ryan Reynolds (how the fuck did he get Scarlett to marry him anyway???) being some sort of frat boy party king who’s spending all his Dad’s money by staying at college forever (his Dad is played by the former Vice President off the West Wing) until he falls for some apparently acclaimed journalist from the college newspaper (played by Tara fucking Reid) who teaches him everything’s gonna be OK if he just graduates. By basing an entire movie on the intellectual abilities of Tara Reid means you get an entirely bad movie, Tim Matheson or no Tim Matheson. Oh, and while I think of it, Ryan Reynolds really looks like a potato.
