All My Pets Just Died

The best text messages I've received August - November 2009

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:50:14 +0000

From Milko 16 August 2009 21:52

“I’m sitting next to a French girl who’s t-shirt says: I’m A Soft Grey Addict”

From Rob Hampton 19 August 2009 19:53

“I’m having Nandos with Andi Peters”

From Clare Israel 28 August 2009 19:55

“I’ve got coriander!”

From Tom Parker 20 September 2009 20:35

“I’m seriously buzzing off Cliff Richard”

From Harry Whittingham 01 October 2009 16:10

“The other side of the Michael Owen coin has clearly flipped to reveal the face of an old Queen”

From Milko 11 October 2009 22:36

“Genuine synopsis from the Nigerian Movies channel - ‘Rapid restore and space bags’”

From Harry Whittingham 31 October 2009 18:46

“Save me a burglar mask, a lump of kryptonite and a pint of sherbert. I’ll see you in Zurich”

An absence explained. Half heartedly.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:25:00 +0000

A (the?) reader pointed out the other day (or: some months ago) that All My Pets Just Died had become a little stale (or: grown toxic spores, removed by experts and incinerated in a specialist lab) of late.

“True”, I said.

I got a little bit carried away with Twitter but peaked with my running commentary of my trip to A&E and have yet to reach such heights since. Instead I thought I’d crawl back to this dusty little corner of the internet that’s all mine.

Some great things have happened during my blogging sabbatical that are now too distant memories to regurgitate for your reading pleasure unfortunately. Watching Girls Aloud in a corporate box with endless free alcohol, entering a digital grafitti battle at the Red Bull Cola launch party, DJing with The Mystery Jets and singing happy birthday to John Lithgow were all things I probably would’ve written about. Still, feel free to attach your own memories to those things and pass them off as your own.

My return is partly prompted by flu. After an afternoon of bad daytime TV, music videos for the Black Eyed Peas, the cooking of an elaborate comfort meal, the watching of series 3 of The Thick of It, listening to an old Italo Disco mixtape and drinking a bottle of Shiraz, I guess it was the next logical step.

Also, the end of the year beckons so I get to post tedious lists of my favourite things again.

In summary, i’m back. Not in a grand Terminator kind of way, more in a kind of “have you heard the new Snow Patrol single?” “I didn’t know they’d been away?” “I don’t really know, it sounds like the last one and quite frankly I wish they were dead” kind of way

RIP Steven Wells

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:51:00 +0100

RIP Steven Wells

"To some, pets are a source of cute, absolute love. To me, they're a perpetual looming spectre of death"

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 14:18:00 +0100

"To some, pets are a source of cute, absolute love. To me, they're a perpetual looming spectre of death":

By Charlie Brooker

More fried cows....

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:40:51 +0100

More fried cows....:

“Quite frankly, I’ve been shitting frying...

Fri, 29 May 2009 14:36:00 +0100

“Quite frankly, I’ve been shitting frying pans”

More genius from the mighty Cassetteboy.

Photo

Tue, 12 May 2009 17:00:38 +0100

Greatest headline of the year...

Sat, 09 May 2009 14:46:05 +0100

Greatest headline of the year...

Thick, salty, meat-extract is the way to survive Swine Flu

Fri, 01 May 2009 11:43:12 +0100

Thick, salty, meat-extract is the way to survive Swine Flu

All My Horses Just Died

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 12:04:00 +0100

All My Horses Just Died:

These are all the dogs I've had. By David

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:17:00 +0100

Honey – Deaf and blind by the end and finally put down by a vet. She was an old, honey coloured sheep dog-type-dog. She was there when I was born – well, not there, but we had her…. There’s a really cute picture of me at around three or four asleep in my garden and she’s sitting next to me – protecting me.

Leo – Staff. He was cool. He pulled me in a sleigh once. He was hit by a truck and then died in a bloody mess in our kitchen after somehow running back home from his RTA.

Jet – Jet was fun. He was a cute, black dog. He died after eating slug pellets.

Rusty – Rusty was nuts. He kept running away all the time. Eventually, we didn’t go and pick him up from the pound again.

Sherman – Sherman was a MASSIVE Alsatian that howled like a wolf. He went beserk after my sister shut his tail in the door and he would try and kill her all the time after that. He ‘joined the RAF’ apparently.

Fudge – Fudge was one of those poor, lovely Golden Retrievers. I feel sad when I think of her. She had a bad life. I hope she finally found some peace somewhere. She deserved it.

Amber – Amber and Toffee were brother and sister Dalmatians. They’re gone now too. Hopefully to a better place.

Toffee - Toffee and Amber were brother and sister Dalmatians. They’re gone now too. Hopefully to a better place.

Domino – Dalmation. Not sure what happened to him. I hope he’s OK..

The 5 best text messages i've received January-April '09

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 09:44:19 +0100

From Rob Hampton 21 January 2009 20:17

“Last year Palestinians smuggled an anaesthetised crocodile through a tunnel from Egypt”

From Milko 25 January 2009 02:14

“Just watched Slumdog Millionaire. I think Danny Boyle’s gone off his rocker”

From Milko 12 February 2009 16:45

“My God, I just saw you aged 80 eating in a Loch Fyne restaurant”

From Milko 04 March 2009 21:58

“If you feed parsley to an ostrich it goes blind”

From Martin Dickie 19 March 2009 21:43

“Currently mixing Fake Blood’s Mars incredibly successfully with Hazey Jane II”

Joanna Newsom soundtracking a Victoria’s Secret ad....

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 09:15:35 +0100

Joanna Newsom soundtracking a Victoria’s Secret ad. WTF?

Here’s hoping for some more indie/lingerie advert hook-ups….

Will Oldham and Wonderbra perhaps? Maybe Sufjan Stevens meets Agent Provocateur? I could go on but I dont know any other lingerie brands.

If you haven’t heard The Whitest Boy Alive’s...

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 13:48:00 +0000

If you haven’t heard The Whitest Boy Alive’s ‘Rules’ yet then bloody well go and buy a copy now.

In the meantime check out this awesome vintage synth demo from their very own “Mr Synth” Daniel Nentwig

duffy's new diet coke ad has gaping plot holes, promotes theft

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:01:45 +0000

See below:

To set the scene, we’re backstage at a Duffy gig. Her...

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:00:48 +0000

To set the scene, we’re backstage at a Duffy gig. Her assistant hands her a cold, refreshing can of Diet Coke.

Here’s Duffy drinking the Diet Coke. She has a big sip of...

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:40:00 +0000

Here’s Duffy drinking the Diet Coke. She has a big sip of it here. She looks happy about it.

Then she starts singing and I dont look happy about it.

Duffy - full can of Diet Coke in her hand - spies...

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:13:00 +0000

Duffy - full can of Diet Coke in her hand - spies someone’s bike.

Why is Duffy wearing half a Superman costume and a rubber...

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:43:00 +0000

Why is Duffy wearing half a Superman costume and a rubber jumper? Why has Duffy stolen a bike? Where is Duffy going? What has any of this got to do with Diet Coke?

Oh. She’s going to the supermarket. Maybe she needs some...

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:28:00 +0000

Oh. She’s going to the supermarket. Maybe she needs some rizlas or something?